9/5/2024
I found my old sketchbook! It feels so strange to look at it. The art isn't anything to write home about, but it has spirit. I actually envy my past self's enthusiasm. I wonder how my head worked back then to bring forth such an attitude.
26/4/2024
Sometimes I fall into a pit where I struggle with knowing myself. I fall out of orientation, and my thoughts seem to not have any point to them. I lose touch with what's important to me and I begin to drift. I figured I'd ramble about it and hope it brings me some semblance of coherence.
It's a weird place to be in, and to this day I'm not sure how to climb out of it. It seems to happen at random from a random lightning strike of insight that propels me forward, but they're not necessarily connected to the core issue at all. The inspiration from those are more like a powerful distractor, and eventually I drift back into the nameless void.
One indisputable feature of it is losing touch, so I assume the answer is seeking to get back in touch again. To get back in touch, I need to carefully find and listen to the quietest voice inside me. It's difficult, because it's drowned by so many other voices that are louder than it is. Another thing to keep in mind is remaining mindful about shame behaviors. Those are all the things that send yourself the message that this voice cannot be among the others. Even now I'm kind of doing it. I write about everything around the voice, but I don't write with the voice. This is where I hit the wall.
18/04/2024
I really don't know anything, and I find that liberating. We are fed all kinds of "newest studies" claiming to know how things are, soon to be replaced with a new "newest study" that claims otherwise. I think advancement in science has allowed us a delusion of knowing. I don't claim science is wrong, no. What I'm trying to say is that we might believe we can find out and explain every single thing, and this costs us humility. We might believe we can box the universe into our minds, and this attitude strips life of its wonder. Can't we allow anything to be bigger than we are?
This thought isn't without inner conflict. I do think it's great that people learn new things about the world, but I can't help but think back to what happened when I started looking into theories about what makes art good, or what makes a story good. On one hand, yes, these theories are not wrong, but it made my creative process more cognitive. I no longer followed my heart. I followed my head, because I did not trust my feelings to help me create anything worthwhile. But isn't that just a manifestation of insecurity? "Oh no, I can't show my true feelings. Instead I make something as correct as I can so I do not have to be vulnerable." The creative process is no longer driven by love, but by fear. Decisions are made based on what's safe, and what's safe is what some guy with credentials said is correct. I'm not saying they don't have a point, but I think the underlying attitude in which one adopts these teachings matters.
Overall, I want to learn to put myself aside. I want to be in awe of something larger than me. I don't want to live the rest of my life in self-preoccupation. I want to create without the mental weight of subtle self preservation.
17/04/2024
Solitude is a beautiful thing. Lately the best days I've had are the ones where I get a break from social obligations, and get to hear my own thoughts for once. It's like a mist that dispels, or clouds that part to allow rays of light shine in.
Sometimes I wish I could spend the rest of my life in solitude, but I know it wouldn't be feasible. Life would eventually feel pointless with just my own voice inside my head. Still, it's a frequent daydream I have. I just want to hop on a bus and break away from it all. I want to search far and wide and discover what I have been searching for was inside me all along. I wish for a heartfelt reunion with myself.
Autonomy has always been a tricky thing for me. I lose sight of it easily. It gets buried under all the external expectations and inner insecurities, and its absence gives rise to puzzling symptoms. When life begins to appear futile and gray, it's my sign to wake up and find myself, no matter the cost.
12/04/2024
I had the most wonderful day. I walked past galleries, and I remembered someone telling me I should try bringing my art to galleries and mingling with the local art communities. I brushed it off, because my inspiration for art has diminished so badly I can't fathom finding the drive for such a thing.
Today walking past those galleries sowed a seed in me. Sitting in a cafe, stewing in my lack of vitality, the following question occurred to me: If I wasn't feeling this way, what would I do? I knew the answer immediately; I would give traditional painting a shot again. And guess what happened? Inspiration came to me. Really! I'm not kidding! What's up with that? The entire day I felt trapped in a lifeless, groggy mood and all it took for it to go away was this stupid question? I want to make a painting and perhaps one day I have enough material to put into a gallery!
So, I'm painting again, and I feel terrific! Or actually, I'm still working on the underpainting with charcoal, but still. I feel alive and full of hope.
I know this mood won't last forever, so I give my future self a word of advice: Seize inspiration. Romanticize an idea. Anything to make the unfocused, uncertain state to go away, because in traditional art you don't have CTRL+Z. You need want to work on the art.
11/04/2024
This page is so simple and yet, so meaningful to me. I first tried to make something new for me, an outlet for something that's not quite me and free from the restrictions of my self. I built it for a while and it was fun in its own way, I was yet again building something new while disowning the old. I got the wild idea of "What if I went backwards instead?" I have so much creations and ideas in my past I have just cast aside.
I adore the simple, humble look of certain websites where the focus is more on the content rather than how impressive the webpage is. I find it charming. I admit I'm not without insecurities. The websites people build here are breathtaking, and there's a part of me that wants to join them... but I'm afraid after all that effort I realize I had silenced a more heartfelt voice in me.
07/04/2024
I used to be so passionate about comics and art, so I worried how over the years my fire had dwindled into nothing. I kept working on art, but it wasn't the same anymore.
Now I think I realize what the issue is. I have grown self-centered! It sounds weird, but I think that's really it. I begun to see art as something that should give me good feelings, and I can't blame myself. Doing art felt good! Being passionate felt good! Then the fact it felt good became the primary focus, and I began to grow lazy and self-centered in my relationship to art. I didn't care about art as much as I cared about how it made me feel. My focus shifted to my own short-sighted comfort and self-centered feelings. As a result my attitude turned rotten, I lost respect and my passion died out.
Now that I think about it, making yourself matter less makes room for all kinds of beautiful things. When I stop trying to be the one who makes art happen, when I quiet my self, I can try to tune in what the universe has to offer. No, I have not gone mad. The "universe" here is just my own subconscious, but treating it as something greater than yourself helps immensely. So, I'm going with "universe."
I need to step outside of myself. There are things larger than me, and that's awesome! Art is one of them, and I'm going to dedicate myself to it again. There's no point in living like your self matters the most. It makes life joyless and full of worries.